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The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

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At the end of your training you will not only be dating more women a week than you have in a year, you’ll also have the real world experience, confidence and intuition to succeed in any social interaction going forward.

SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk.

POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements.

CINCINNATI—Surprised to discover that the once-beloved job perk had lost its appeal over the years, local barber Mike Grossman told reporters Tuesday that he was no longer even that excited by bringing home free bags of hair at the end of the day.

CHICAGO—Gathering as much information on the residence as she could during the fleeting window of opportunity, local woman Kerry Egan was offered a brief, beguiling glimpse of the inside of the next-door apartment Monday upon arriving home at the same time as her neighbor.

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